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I wake in the morning. It’s cold, and I roll toward you to feel

your warmth, to feel your body against mine. I reach out to you.

I open my eyes. I am alone. Your side of the bed is empty, the

blankets and pillow flat and unused. You haven’t been here. I am

alone. I miss you.

The morning is cruel. The night brings dreams of you, memories

of the times we shared. The sunlight penetrates my eyelids. My

eyes open, and the world comes crashing in with the light of the

sadistic morning. You are not here. The time we shared has

come to and end. Where are you? What has become of you, my

sweet, precious love? I want nothing more than to hold you, to

run my fingers through your long blonde hair. I want to sip

whine with you as dusk becomes evening and the promise of a

fresh, innocent day spent lounging on the couch looms before

us. I want you to warp your arms around me in the dead of

night, and kiss the back of my neck and tell me the sweet things

inside your head that no-one else knows. These are memories

now. These are haunting images of you that torment me as I am

forced to carry on alone without you.

I am struck by the loss of you as this world invades the quiet of

our night, of my dreams of you. It is the little things that haunt

me. It is the small moments where your idiosyncrasies would

have filed the silence that I feel the devastating pressure of your

absence and it over comes me. The way you’d wake me in the

middle of the night to discuss what was unpalatable in the

daylight. The way your retched laugh would resonate

embarrassingly at the most inopportune times. The horrible way

you’d rant uncontrollably at the smallest of injustices. It is these

things, these small moments, that catch me and push me back

into the longing of you. It is these moments that we will never

have again. I cannot escape it. You are gone.

I search for a cure. I flounder about, overcome by this disease

that you have left me with, this disease of wanting. I long for a

way to be okay, to move on, to live my life. I cannot forget you.

I cannot be okay without you. I have no life now that you have

taken yours from me. I will never move on from the permanence

of what you have done, from the endlessness of your absence.

There is no making it right. There is no taking it back. There is

no way o undoing what has been done. This pit is bottomless

without you. I am free falling.


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