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Monthly Archives: February 2008

 

You did a number on me. I gave you all the things a young girl has to give and you took without warning me that you were leaving. I leaned on you. I looked to you. In all things we were together for what was supposed to be forever. Where are you now? How could you leave me after everything we’d been through? How could you leave me at such a point when I finally needed you to be there more than I’d ever needed or wanted anything? I am broken because of you. My God I miss you Ben.

You were beautiful. You were the epitome of perfection. In all of my travels, all the places I’ve been, all the roads I’ve walked down you were my goal. I thought I could just walk away. I thought I could just start over. I thought if I ignored it, if I ignored you I would be okay. I thought walking away was moving on. You’re still here, in all of your gravity and your glory. Your memory weighs me down and I find it difficult to stand. The weight of the anger and the blame crushes me as the thoughts of you pass over me again and again with the repetition and squalor of a raging sea. Every time I claw my way back to standing you are there to remind me where I’ve been and what I am. I am the girl who stood by idly while you flailed and searched desperately for a strong hold, an anchor, something to hold on to. I let you go when you needed me to hold on and I blamed the ashes on you. In all the blame, the yelling and the fighting it became nothing and you went away.

Sitting here now, years having come and gone since the downfall of the greatest lover of my life, it’s different from the day it happened. The clarity of having finally looked into the past and seen things for what they were is blinding and I am doubling over, folding in on myself wishing for someway to take it back, to be able to alter the past so that here would not be so hollow. The girl I was cost so much and none of it is reversible I can’t take any of it back. Still I sit here crying out with everything that I have, begging for your forgiveness. I wish I could have been different.

I wish I could have stood there in that place and realized what it all meant, your words, your actions, your fists. I was young, at sixteen, all of it was bigger than me it was all too much for me. I am sorry I could not have been more. The truth of it is that I still cannot be more and apologies will never suffice. There is no retribution for any of this. You are gone and saying goodbye has never been an option. How do you leave behind something so big? I thought if I looked to the aftermath, the things you said to me, the things you did to me, and the ultimate ending with the blood shed and the tears, that I could ignore you, forget you, leave it all in the past. None of it is over though, none of it has healed. I am here begging for your forgiveness.

Still, there is nothing left but conversations with your ghost and tears wasted on the nothingness and the hopelessness of what has come and what has gone.

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